Her Eyes Upon Me
by Mako-clb
Summary: Heero's reasons for taking off on his own at the end of Gundam Wing


Disclaimer: Bandai owns Gundam Wing, not me. I am using the universe and characters without permission. This is for entertainment purposes only, NOT profit.

**Her Eyes Upon Me**  
by Corina "Mako" Borsuk

"Heero, where are you going? Aren't you coming back to earth with the rest of us? Heero, answer me! Heero!"

I hear her voice. A part of me wants to answer her. But, I've already decided what I have to do. So, I turn off the communications system as I take Wing Zero further away from the others. I am going back to Earth, but not with them. Not with Relena.

Since I was old enough to walk, or maybe even before that, I was raised as a weapon. Even as Dr. J was busy creating the perfect gundanium mobile suit with which to strike at OZ, he and his comrades were creating me to be the perfect pilot, the perfect soldier, the perfect assassin. I was provided with an education, not so I could live in the world, but so I could infiltrate any place at any time. I needed to be able to fit in anywhere without drawing attention to myself or my mission. It didn't matter if I truly belonged.

I never belonged, until Relena.

As I learned to fight, I also learned to hate. The Earth Sphere Alliance had stolen the freedom of those on Earth and the Colonies' chance to unify in peace. OZ was worse. They were willing to start a war to take over the Alliance and make the world and space their own. I learned to hate everyone and everything that came from Earth. It was the source of all conflict, suffering, and death. To survive, to thrive, the Colonies had to strike back at OZ and Earth.

My mission was simple. Take Wing Gundam to Earth, preferably undetected, and destroy OZ. My actions could not be connected to the Colonies because of the danger they would face. Therefore, no one who saw me, who saw my Gundam, could be allowed to live to tell their tale.

I accepted my mission. I was prepared to die for the Colonies. I thought I was prepared to kill for them as well. And, I was, to a point. I couldn't kill Relena.

If anyone had asked me why, I wouldn't have had an answer. How could I have explained to them what I couldn't explain to myself? But, now I finally understand. When she found me on the beach after the failure of my first mission, there was concern in her eyes. At the time, I didn't know it for what it was. No one had ever truly cared what happened to me. The people who raised me cared only about the mission and how my personal well-being might affect that mission. But, never had anyone truly cared about me.

For some reason that I will probably never be able to comprehend, despite my threats to kill her, she continued to care. She wanted to get to know me, to be my friend.

There is very little in life that scares me, but that did. I think it was because, the harder she tried to get to know the boy underneath the Gundam pilot, the more I realized that even I didn't know who I was under that mask. I wasn't even sure there was a person inside me for her to know. My entire life had been about Operation Meteor, about fulfilling my mission to destroy OZ. I remember that I used to truly have feelings, at least I think I did. It's been so long, it's hard to be sure. Even back before my training was completed, I was never sure. I remember telling that little girl that I was lost. I think I've been lost for a long time. I never bothered to think about what I wanted, what I liked, what I believed because those things were not important to the mission. After that night, when I carried the puppy back to the base for some inexplicable reason, my training began anew. When it was over, for me there were no such things as want or like or believe. Not until Relena.

I don't even know if I did believe in anything before Relena. I have begun to believe that I want peace. I know that I don't want war anymore. I know that I believe in Relena. I believe in her strength and in her passion for the peaceful coexistence of the Colonies and Earth. Before Relena, I hated everything that had to do with Earth. But, from the moment she showed concern for a boy who was less than human, I couldn't hate her. And, through her I learned that Earth and the Colonies were not so different. I learned that war could come from space and peace could come from Earth because war and hate come from people, not planets.

Relena has taught me so much. She has given me and the world more than can ever be repaid, but I can't give her the one thing she wants from me because to do that I have to find the one thing she can't give me. I have to learn the one thing she can't teach me.

Before I can love Relena or anyone, before I can let them love me, I have to know who I am.

Who am I?

When I have the answer to that question, I will return to you Relena, because only then will I be able to answer the question you never asked me.

Do I love you?

_The End_


End file.
